Tom Cruise Kills Oprah Video

Contrary to what this one episode of “Mythbusters ” pretty much disproved, you can shoot fish in barrel. Nobody said there had to be water! Case in point, www.TomCruise.com , the official fan site for Tom Cruise by Tom Cruise’s number one fan, Tom Cruise. So grab your rifle, we’re about catch us some flounder.

TomCruise.com is presented as a 25-year-anniversary celebration of the release of “Risky Business,” which is described as Tom’s first starring role in the site’s somewhat inaccurate “Message from Tom.” The message goes on to read, “In celebration of this occasion, and my 27 years of making movies, I created this site as a thank you, to you, for sharing the journey with me and to invite you to continue to explore what the future will bring.”

Gee thanks, Tom! And please excuse the media-hardened cynicism of those who suspect TomCruise.com is not so much a multimedia Thank You card, but rather a meticulously engineered attempt to reclaim the once-formidable Cruise persona violently deflated by Web 2.0 caprice. In keeping with its May launch, the site more appropriately marks the three-year anniversary of the beginning of the end – Tom’s unfortunate couch-jumping incident on “Oprah,” May 23, 2005.

You know the thing about how you can’t put toothpaste back in the tube? It’s also not such a great idea to stomp on same tube and squish out any and all remaining goo. I guess what I’m trying to say is … well … there is just no way on God’s Green Earth that a slick, self-aggrandizing Web site will ever Google-wash three years of sofa jumping and Scientology YouTube mash ups from the memories of pretty much everyone in the known Universe.

In its blind hubris, TomCruise.com only fuels the online Cruise comedy cavalcade, a twist of fate that’d be tragic if it wasn’t so rich in schadenfreude-packed hilarity. Seriously. From the glossy Tom Cruise slide show to the “Mission Impossible” musical accompaniment, the site screams for merciless satirization.

You’d think that a career built on conspiracy and Sci-Fi films would’ve taught Tom a thing or two. Meaning, you can run really fast, jump on a motorcycle, eject yourself from a sticky situation via fiery explosion, then run some more, but you can never escape the Internet. Just ask “Afro Ninja” or poor “Light Saber Kid.” Every humiliation that reaches cyberspace is downloaded for life.

Building a creepy online shrine to yourself will never make the masses forget “Tom Cruise Kills Oprah,” the infamous YouTube video in which some lo-fi computer effects create the illusion that you’re using your Dark Force powers a la “Star Wars” Emperor to sent bolts of electricity through the talk show host’s body while she appears to writhe in agony. It’s just not going to happen.

Americans may not get geography, but don’t try and rearrange our pop culture furniture, because we’ll know. That goes for the link to Tom’s last “Oprah” clip, tastefully heralded in the “What’s New” section of TomCruise.com. No, not Tom’s sofa-surfing appearance. (Though that incident is tastefully, with utmost sensitivity, mentioned when Oprah hits Tom’s couch for an intimate two-episode interview from Tom’s ranch).